Foot prints

I had lost my first child before I even held him in my arms. The doctors had said that he would not make it. We still hoped to see a healthy baby. Hopes don't always get realized in fact they seldom do as what happened with us. We needed a miracle.

"Neha and Amar are the perfect couple and the only thing missing in their lives is a child", this is what all our relatives used to say after a year and a half into our marriage. Of course we wanted a baby and our wish was granted after two years of our marriage. When the good news finally knocked on our door the families on both sides were beyond happy. But I was always a little scared. You know they say, "The more the expectations, the more the hurt."

We got to know there were complications right after we started to believe that everything is going to be normal. I remember the grim look on the doctor's face when she was taking an ultrasound. I wanted to know instantly what was wrong but she insisted on having some tests to confirm her diagnosis.

"The baby has a hole in his heart", her exact words. You never bother to know about critical life threatening diseases until they happen to you. The closest I had been to a person with a hole in his heart was a man in some random movie. Now I had another person as my own child. The family broke down, "The more the expectations, the more the hurt."

Our families hid their despair in front of us but we knew they were sad. Amar , too, tried to put on a brave face but who could stay that calm when a part of them is going to be taken away. Our first child was going to be born with a hole in his heart in a month's time.

When you know there are complications, all your thoughts of whether it is a boy or a girl, or what will be the name take a backseat. The only priority question was, "How was he going to live?" Or worse still, "How long was he going to live?" I always knew loosing a family member was a big loss but loosing a child or watching them die before your eyes everyday was something I had to keep myself ready for. I was shattered.

Then Amar, me and our families saw a ray of hope in the face of our baby. It was his eyes, the shine in them that gave us courage despite of his frail body and the doctor's words. Those eyes always smiled. Not the very happy smile but a hopeful one. He gave hope to us and when we knew there was no hope he gave us courage to face what lay ahead.

The day our baby was born we took his foot prints. Not as a hospital procedure but it was one of my wishes. When I was growing up I always wondered how little I was. I wanted a way to measure myself. Old photographs were there but it did not let me measure against anything. So I wanted to keep the foot prints of my child, precisely taken on every birthday, so that he could measure himself and would not have to wonder like I did. Of course, I did not know that he would not celebrate even one birthday.

The only option we had was a donor, but operating on a little, fragile body was out of the question. "We need to keep him alive and healthy till we are sure that we can operate on him", I wondered how doctors get the strength to break such news to people. We knew we would lose him. He was just too weak.

So we decided we would take his foot prints every month. We celebrated his birthday every month and ensured that he remained happy. He was a perfect little baby, not physically though. He mostly smiled, his hopeful smile, and slept quietly when he was tired. Everyday me and Amar would play with him for hours then watch him sleep peacefully. Our relatives all grew fond of him. Everyone knew that he will be lost one day but still we strived to be happy and keep him smiling. He was our little world in the brief nine months that he was with us.

"How can a tiny soul endure so much?" Still he fought, for a whole nine months our baby lived as happily as any normal baby would. We celebrated when he learnt to sit and learnt to grasp with his tiny fingers. The whole family adored him and, yes, we took his foot prints every month without fail. I had lost people before but the void that was created by loosing something as precious as my own baby could never be filled. Not even when we had our second child.

We did have two more babies after that, twin girls, but he was always going to be the first one. His sisters know him, have seen him in photographs and videos but the most they love is to measure his foot prints, the tangible proof of his existence, one that we could touch and feel. All nine of them adorn the wall of his sister's room. For me his foot prints are in my heart, my first child whose memories will never fade because of the foot prints that he left behind.

The Boy Who Lived

12th July '11

I read Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone when I was 11, when Harry was 11. I have literally grew up with Harry Potter. It is not just a story for me but an experience that I have always been in. A magical world that is so true to life that you sometimes want it to actually exist.

Always liking fiction I have spend my childhood reading Enid Blyton, Ruskin Bond and fairy tales. These were stories that entertained, amused and delighted me. The language was simple, the stories heart touching and I always had the satisfaction of having been in a world different to where I live.

Harry Potter is much more than those stories that I read as a child. Imagining Harry in a school called Hogwarts learning spells and doing magic with his friends Hermoine and Ron was never difficult for me. I could well see in my mind the great big castle with thousands of students.

In the start Harry Potter was meant to be a children's book. But as the characters of the books grew up so did the readers of the book. The characters went through the similar feelings of growing up as did the readers.

It was when I grew up that I realized Harry Potter is a story that requires immense imagination and intelligence. I have admired J. K. Rowling ever since. The tremendous amount of imagination and detailed work that she has put in this fictional series is one that is difficult to achieve even in non-fiction writing where you have the facts.

Every little thing that happens is connected. Once the secrets were revealed by Dumbledore to Harry the readers can also understand the depth to which J. K. Rowling has gone to answer the questions that arise in the book. The last three parts, The Order of the Phoenix, The half-Blood Prince and The Deathly Hallows have linked each and every thing that happened in the very first book too.

But what is it in the books that has touched so many? The basic moral of the series is the good wins over evil. In the series Dumbledore has always told Harry to believe in love and friendship. Sacrifice and death are also an integral part of the series. Harry's life starts with his parents dying. And over the years when he has fought Lord Voldemort he has lost many others. He kept on fighting for what is right.

It is a story about faith, trust, respect and making the correct choices. It has taught many that truth prevails, goodness wins in the end. The books teach me a new thing every time I read them. They have made me smile, laugh and cry.

The story of the boy who lived is forever. It is a piece of literature that has changed lives of the youth the world over. The love of a story can be seen in the Harry Potter fans. No other series has inspired millions of people in this way.

It doesn't seem to me as if it is ending. I have always read the books with the same enthusiasm as the first time. The fans of Harry Potter have never been disappointed and they never will be. As Dumbledore said, "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean it is not real?"

The Future Still Remains

10th July '11

Moving on. Two words that are used as simply as any other but these are the words that make us understand the meaning of life. Life itself is about moving on. Once I read a quote "We are all travelers to this time, this place. We are just passing by." Indeed, the world as such remains, it is us who are moving with time.

We as humans get attached to things very easily. It is very easy to love and the more you love the more difficult it is to let go. Many religions tell us to not believe in attachment. And also that your love and care should be no less than any other person. Just do not cling on if someone wants to leave.

We are no saints and it is not an easy task to be devoid of attachments. But to think of it won't life be much happier if we just enjoyed the moment and did not cling on to things and people? We never know when life would end, for us or for a loved one. Why not just keep happy memories and when things start getting sour, let them go. This way we would preserve the happy memories and think of that time as a good one.

"Sometimes we spoil a perfectly good thing in the want making it better." This quotation made me think about the time when I used to make drawings as a child. I did a sketch which would look perfectly okay but then I would color it in such a way that it would spoil the look the of the picture. My intentions were just to make it look better but I ended up spoiling it.

Some people cling on to things. You cannot keep collecting everything you like. One day you will run out of space to keep them. We have a limited space in this world and the only way to expand is to meet new people, have new experiences and let the old ones go. If the memories were good you can always cherish them but do not cease making new happier memories by clinging on to the old ones.

Death is the biggest teacher and the biggest lesson it gives is of letting go and also of how vulnerable we all are. It is indeed important to be happy today rather than worrying today about tomorrow's sorrows. If you ask a person who is going to die because of a disease he will not have wishes like becoming the head of a company or earning a lot of money. But his wishes will be simple that would give him happiness for the little while that he has.

So why not live in the same way. Enjoy little things, simple things. Sometimes looking at a sunset or walking in the rain brings much more happiness than a new laptop or buying an iphone. Tell people you love that you love them. Forgive the ones that have hurt you. Enjoy yourself and spend some time alone. These little things are what make us and others around us happy.

Planning the future is important but one should not be obsessed with their future so much that they compromise their present. Life teaches us to keep moving, keep traveling. "One good thing about disasters is that they give us an opportunity to begin again." A tragedy that changes the life of a person can make or break them. It is our choice whether we want to give in or find a new way.

The cosmos always wants us to reach our destiny which we never know of. So why fret about what may happen and why cry about things that did not happen. The world is round and whatever you give finds its way back to you.  so when you lose do not hold on, let go. Remember, "When all else is lost, the future still remains."